Chapter 172: Grow up PeterPan !

Hey guys , i really need to update this piece of shit . Well , no jokes today because i've been feeling way down . Maybe it's time for me to move on with life . Be an adult finally . For the past 17 years 5 months and 5 days , i've been nothing but a young kid who love Power Ranger and Ultraman . Should i move on and fear what i might be in the future ? Even PeterPan has to grow up one day . I've told Bestie that i'm practically doing fine but theoretically not doing fine . If i sacrifice myself to be an adult , i won't have that exact same attitude like i had in the past . This is now the breakdown of my life . Should i leave everything behind and walk alone on the path of maturity or should i just wait for the right time to change ?

Esfan , even Peterpan has to grow up sometime .

Chapter 171: Standing On One Dot


Ever feel like even if you got something but you still feel like you got nothing ? Yeah , i'm feeling that way now . The fear of walking on this Earth all alone with no single being right beside me . Trust me when i say that everyone will feel this way sooner or later . At first , i thought that this is just a mind game but in the end , i realize that i do have everything but i just don't spend so much time with the people that has always been by my side and the only ones that has been by my side has always been my parents .

A simple theory;
- Friends can become enemies .
- BGR can be broken apart .
- Marriage can be divorce .
BUT the relationship in a family can never break apart .

Chapter 170: A Girl in CD Store


There was once a guy who suffered from cancer... a cancer that can't be treated. He was 18 years old and he could die anytime. All his life, he was stuck in his house being taken cared by his mother. He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once. So he asked his mother and she gave him permission.

He walked down his block and found a lot of stores. He passed a CD store and looked through the front door for a second as he walked. He stopped and went back to look into the store. He saw a young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight. He opened the door and walked in, not looking at anything else but her. He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk where she sat.

She looked up and asked, "Can I help you?"

She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there.

He said, "Uh... Yeah... Umm... I would like to buy a CD."

He picked one out and gave her money for it.

"Would you like me to wrap it for you?" she asked, smiling her cute smile again.

He nodded and she went to the back.

She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him. He took it and walked out of the store. He went home and from then on, he went to that store everyday and bought a CD, and she wrapped it for him. He took the CD home and put it in his closet. He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn't. His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her.

So the next day, he took all his courage and went to the store. He bought a CD like he did everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped. He took it and when she wasn't looking, he left his phone number on the desk and ran out...

!!!RRRRRING!!!

The mother picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"

It was the girl!!! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said, "You don't know? He passed away yesterday..."

The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy's mother. Later in the day. The mother went into the boy's room because she wanted to remember him. She thought she would start by looking at his clothes. So she opened the closet. She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs. She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one.

Inside, there was a CD and as she took it out of the wrapper, out fell a piece of paper. The mother picked it up and started to read it.

It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn

The mother opened another CD...

Again there was a piece of paper. It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn

Chapter 169: Roses


Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine", like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.
The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again.

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just
waiting for you to open it

Chapter 168: 7 Million Miles Under The Soil


It's very hard to see myself break down into millions of pieces but the terrible news just came in . I'm breaking down . The fear ... the fear of being alone forever in this world . The fear begins to haunt me . I'm so terrified . Being so alone , i can never bare that punishment . Suddenly , my life feels so empty . Even though i have my bestie and my love ones right by my side , i still feel so alone . What is this space deep in my heart ? Did i choose the wrong path to move on or did i just slip and fell ? Should i dive right in into the flames of sorrow or should i fight ? I need to dig myself out to find the light that i'm yet to see .

Chapter 167: Butterfly Effect

Hey , i come by this awesome theory . It's call 'The Butterfly Effect' . Well , this effect is simply not possible now because nobody can travel through time and space . Well , if suddenly time traveling is possible , we've got to worry about the butterfly effect . The butterfly effect is simply an effect which can change the present from what the traveler saw before he/she travels through time . It's pretty complicated but if you wanna know more , simply check through in Wikipedia or be like me , watch Heroes .

Chapter 166: Live In The Lou


Finally , i got Story Of The Year Live In The Lou in my mp3 ! Cool ! Now i can hear the songs like forever ! My personal favorites are ; 'And The Hero Will Drown' , 'Dive Right In' , Anthem Of Our Dying Day' , 'Until The Day I Die' and 'In The Shadows' . Story Of The Year rocks !

Chapter 165: Our Hearts Has Been Misguided


Wow , what i freaking day . Suddenly i feel like 'BOOM' ! The big bang . Well , i have been asking fucking questions in my fucking brain every fucking minute . By the way , pardon my French . Questions like ? Hmm ... What's my destiny ? Is my heart really have been misguided ? Bla bla bla ... Well , there's this motherfucking idea in my mind that i'm gonna throw someone inside the fucking sea at Sentosa . 'SPLASH' ! Yup , going to Sentosa with my buddies tomorrow and confirm gonna enjoy . Actually , i was planning to invite Bestie , but she wasn't online today , i guess i'll meet her another time . Maybe during our special picnic .


Strictly For Esfan and Fee Only !

Chapter 164: Face First

Bass master ! Nope , of course not me but that's what i wanna be . Mastering every skill that ever existed and create my own . Well , the songs that i already know how to play are ; Given Up by Linkin Park , Blow Me Away by Breaking Benjamin , The Seduction by He is Legend , The Antidote , Terrified , We Don't Care Anymore , Until The Day I Die , And The Hero Will Drown , all by Story of the Year , I'm made of wax , larry , what are you made off ? by A Day To Remember and loads more . Blind Bandit rocks !!

Chapter 163: Story

Well , it's night time here and yet i'm writing another post . Well , this is a life of guy who wants to be an author when he grows up .

Well , that's what i really wanted to be but after walking miles along the path of life , i see that we can be whatever we want but the only that's pulling us behind is us . I know for some , life hasn't been a fairytale with "and they happily ever after" in the end but now , i'm telling you this ; this is your story . You are the author of your own story . No-one can write it for you . Not your friends , family , boyfriend or girlfriend or anyone else can write your story . This is your journey . Don't care what others think only care about life . Life is short so spend it wisely . Spend your life believing in the things you think that is right and never regret any decision that you've made . Friends , family , boyfriend or girlfriend or anyone else are only guidelines or a piece of wood to complete the broken bridge to help you get to the other side . Hold the hands of the person that you treasure the most and never let them go , not even until you pass the walls of death because their hands are the ones that pull you up . You've begin your story , how are you gonna end it ?

Chapter 162: It's Hard Isn't It ?

Well , to my dear friend Jess , sorry to hear about your grandfather . I hope this won't pull you down for your upcoming O' levels and of course the BLB spirit . Stay strong . =)

Well , yeah , it's hard to see the person you love the most just disappear out of our lives just like that . I've lost a lot of my dearest before and the pain never gets old . The pain of losing someone will scar us but the memories will always be there to heal it . Memories of the time you have fun , laugh , joke , hug and kiss . The person maybe physically gone but the person will always live on in our life , in our hearts .

''Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

Chapter 161: Clear

It's hard to tell a certain someone that you really love that person . It's really hard . It's hard to find the person that is suitable for you but i think i found mine . I found her months ago . Well , not to make it so obvious , i will say no more .
I made a promise to her that i'll always be the pillar that will support her in every way possible . I told her that if she let go of the hook , i will be there to catch her hands and hold them tightly , not letting it go . I promise her to always be in her heart and she will always be in mine . Who is she ? Well , she's my dearest bestie , Fee .

Chapter 160: I Need A Miracle

Sorry for my disappearance . I know that my magic trick are lame and all but i'm trying my very best to online . Well , here's a quick update on myself . Lately , i've been quite emo . Emotions are like playing with me once again and i'm starting to give up . Suddenly , i see that everything in this world seems meaningless to me . Yeah , i know that i'm very emo now but i can't help it . I feel like slapping myself billions of times until i get my mind straight .

Ever since my last chat with Bestie , life hasn't been sunshine and rainbows . I really need her here . If only she could hear my cries , pleading . I know for some , she's only a bestie for my but she's really more special than any of you could imagine . She's always there for me eventhough we hadn't chatted for a long time . I do believe in miracles . Even if time hasn't permit us to talk to each other , i still believe that somehow someday , we are gonna talk once again . I confident with it .

Chapter 159: Stop Working You Motherfucking Brain !

I hate my brain so~ fucking much . It's working not in the way it suppose to be . Flash backs are all entering back into my thick skull . Things that i want to forget kept on coming back and the things that i want to think about never did come back . What is this shit ?! The worst part is , i kept on thinking back on the things that hurt me so fucking much . School is about to begin once more and this fucking shit is happening . Just stop working you motherfucking brain . This thing is really putting too much tension on me now . Now , i cannot be normal anymore . I'm like a crazy motherfucking guy who wants to take a motherfucking knife and cut this brain out . I never wanted this , i never wanted any of this . All i want is to live how i'm suppose to live . This is ignorance . What the fuck !

Chapter 158: All We Need Is A Reason

Well , let's start with a hello . Hello . Well , the weekends have been tiring for me really . Went here and there like mad but it's also fun and great . Life ? It's been magnificent . Enjoying life . Well , of course , there ups and downs but now , the battle against life , it seems like i'm winning .

Yeah , my title , it's from the lyrics 'The Antidote' and it's a very powerful phrase . Everything we did , all of them have a reason .

It's gonna be a short chapter today because my mood suddenly disappears .

Chapter 157: Verge Of Rebirth

Time flies fast doesn't it . Yeah , it feels like only yesterday we learned how to walk and now you know it , you are already running . Even with a great past , i still feel like a kid . A little boy that doesn't want to grow up . A little boy that still wants a nice warm hug from his mummy . From my point of view , being a kid is the great blessing in life . Once we are old and matured , we won't see the fun side of life . We will only see the boring , dull and busy side of life .

But above all of that , life is still the best thing you'll ever get . Even if life is a cruel and nasty place , it's the only thing that releases the strong side of you , the strength to overcome every obstacle life has to offer . The strength of smiling even when you're facing your darkest problems . The strength of never giving up when you see the problem is impossible to overcome .

Well , i'm gonna be gone for three days . I'm off to Sepang to catch F1 race . Gonna hear the loud roar of the engine . Can't wait . Since i got the DSLR camera back , gonna snap awesome pictures . KL , Sepang , here i come .

Chapter 156: Your Tears Are My Tears And You Smiles Are My Smiles

Feelings , it's always had been a funny and unpredictable thing from the start . It's either the feeling of happiness or sorrow , that have kept us being who we are . Well , i'm writing this post to the person that has been in my life for almost 8 months now and i want to tell her that she is the greatest friend i could ever ask for . Yes , i'm referring to my dearest bestie . Somehow , i know this may sound crazy , i can sometimes feel her feelings deep in my heart . Eventhough in her blog she may seems a type of happy-go-lucky girl , i got the feeling that there's a dark secret behind her smile . I'm not here to tell you guys about what her problem is but to tell you guys how strong she is . She is the strongest girl that i've ever seen . She has the strength to smile eventhough she have problems . I don't know how deep and dark her problems are but i know no matter how deep and dark they are , she still has the strength to smile . I really admire her . Her name will forever be carve on my heart and can never be replace by anyone . She is really the greatest .

Chapter 155: My Second Heartbeat

Hey guys . Wow , it's been like weeks since i've posted anything here . Really miss the typing and stuff . Well , firstly , updates on me . I'm now living a single life and finally , i've earn something i've lost for a long time , my freedom . Health ? Good , i think . Wealth ? Never have , never will . Life is really beating me down now and day by day , i kept on thinking that there's ain't gonna be any hope for me but my love ones are always there to reach out their hands and helped me out .

Firstly , Zul and gang , you guys rocks ! When i first enter ITE , i thought there won't be anyone that is ... so called 'like me' but when i met you guys , life suddenly began to shine . You guys have always been there to carve a smile on my face no matter if you guys noticed it or not . You guys are like my pillars that supports me in anyway possible and when the going gets tough , you guys will try to be even tougher and overcome the situation together . One thing i learn being with all you is that we are never alone . Even if we are the most emo person in this entire planet , we will never be alone . We joke together and always be together not only in this life , hopefully in the afterlife . You guys are the reason why i'm still here .

To Mady , stop worrying about what people think of you . You are the greatest friend anyone could ask for . If i pray very hard to get the greatest friend , god will surely send you . You have that cunning spirit of love and no-one can ever beat you in that . I never blame you for being a busy body in my life but i'm actually glad that you are part of my life . Like the rest , you helped me when things get hard for me and always end every conversation with a smile . You need to be happy always , eventhough the days may seem dark . Don't care what strangers think of you , we know you better .

To Aishah , you really have been a great friend to me . You are a sweet , loving , kind , caring , funny and beautiful girl . Any guys that were to have you will be call lucky . Your type of girl is like one in a million . When i think of you , i would suddenly be happy and i feel like hugging you tightly , not wanting to let go . I treasure our status because you have always been there for me (when you are not busy or asleep) . You never fail to also carve a smile on my face . Hearing your voice before i sleep will be the greatest gift of the day . At least if i never wake up the next day , i will die in peace . Your voice is just like a sweet melody that rings in my ears permanently . We made our promises and we are gonna keep it .

To My Dearest Bestie , Fee , I miss you so damn much . I really just wish you are here right now by my side helping me with my life . Among all of my friends above , you are the greatest because you know me very very well and you are the only person that can cheer me up when i'm having my deepest and darkest problems . We have been besties for almost 7 months and i know that the numbers will keep on increasing . You have always been there for me eventhough we didn't really talk to each other that much . I really want to meet you her hear your voice but time hasn't permit us . When the time comes , we will surely meet . Of all the people above , you are my loudest second heartbeat . There will always be a space reserve for in my my heart bestie . Always ...

Lastly , to Blind Bandit . Jamming this Saturday . Let's rock guys . You guys are love always .

The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place... and It don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward



Chapter 154: Barely Breathing



Story of the year , I'm Alive Out Now !!!

Chapter 153: The Children Sing

don't take this, don't take this world away from me
don't take this world away from me
don't take this, don't take this world away from me
don't take this, don't take this world away

the future decides the roles we play
the struggles to sell the past away
the after thought is staring back on better days
cause our daughters and sons will live to pay
through every mistake that we have made
through every conviction we've betrayed
so let the children sing

don't take this, don't take this world away from me
don't take this world away from me

yeah
so while we contempt to waste away
the answer that only time could chase
the question we'll ask ourselves from here, to eternity
will it be worth the price to pay
to living the lives of our remains
how do you think we will explain
when the children sing

don't take this, don't take this world away from me
don't take this world away from me

can we find a way
to face today
with the eye on the things to come
cause mistakes we've made
bring on decay
and our chance to make a difference will be gone
oh
yeah

so this is the price to pay (this is the price to pay)
for living in our remains (living in our remains)
just listen as the children sing

on't take this, don't take this world away (away)
don't take this, don't take this world away from me
don't take this world away from me

Chapter 152: MIA

HELLO GUYS !!!! It's been ages seems i've posted anything here ! I really miss typing at my keyboard writing fucking stories about my life . Okay , let's start . Firstly , ITE life has been great at the moment but because of somethings , it hasn't been awesome . Stress because we are given tons of assignments to do and it's like WHAT THE FUCK ! Secondly , i'm sweet~ 17 !! *Fans Screaming*
Happy belated birthday to me ! Thirdly , it has been quite sometime since i've chatted with fee . Really miss her and i'm wondering how she's doing . I know she'll be doing great . *Claps*
Lastly , to my~ BABY !!!!!! I love you so fucking much !!! Thanks for making my birthday the greatest and i really appreciate it a lot ! KISSES AND HUGS TO YOU !!!

P.S: To my friends , thanks for giving me the greatest birthday ever . Sorry for making it a boring day but i wanna tell you guys that i love it a lot !! Can't wait to spend time with you guys !! AV1001A , I LOVE YOU GUYS !!!

Chapter 151: I Need A Wishing Well

Wake up ! The morning is fresh and you guys mustn't spend time in your stinky bed . Drop yourself out of the and begin your day . I slept really well today and later i'm going out to meet a certain someone and go window shopping with her . It's gonna be great and i hope she will enjoy herself later on . Well , i don't really have much to say today so i apologize . Just a quick update , it's only 11 more days .

Chapter 150: Led By The Faith Of Tme

Wow , it has been ages since i wrote something here . Well , not really ages but i guess you guys know what i mean . Life has been great thanks to a certain someone . Everything is back to the way it was but with one little problem . I can't enjoy it that much . Well , nothing last forever so you guys should know where i'm getting to . School ? Well , school is great . I'm hanging out with my new friends , not with the malay freaks who act to be SO MATURED ... But who gives a fuck , i'm happy with the position that i'm in right now . If you guys want to call me anything , just do it , you guys will look like idiots at the end of the day because i don't tolerate to such nonsense . So to bad .

Chapter 149: Normal Day

Wow , what a great day today in school . Well , i'm saying that because i made new friends that used to call me 'sombong' but after talking to them , they say that i'm actually okay . Happy ! Oh yeah , another reason is because today i had a lot of fun in school and there's not much thinking that is needed to be done today . So overall , today is a good day in school . After school , i went home straight with one of my new friend and the rest of my 'go home' friends . And the rest of the day is simply normal .

Chapter 148: Terrified

I'm afraid . I know it's kinda weird to start of my chapter with that phrase after going missing for quite sometime now but i promise you that it has nothing to do with bad stuff but as my eyes could see , this stuff is very terrifying for me . I know that i'm speaking in a twisty way well , the only reason i'm doing this is because i wouldn't like to be straight forward when i'm speaking about my fears . I'm terrified of being missing . I hate it when i wouldn't be able to ... Just skip it . I'm locked inside of my own heart and i'm dying to get out to see the light of freedom once more . I need the past . I hope the girl that is reading this , that has been wondering where i've been , that have been missing me will know that i'm referring to her . I need my past . I will not let it be blown away like the sands of the desert . I'm begging like a poor man wanting money in his pocket to support his love ones . I need what i want . I will not let my fears become phobias . I want my rights . I want ... Just give me another chance . I beg of you . Just one more .

Chapter 147: Singing The Deafening Lullaby

2o1o , it doesn't match . Nothing great happened this year so far . I know , it's too early to complain about this fucking stuff but nowadays , i'm getting angrier and angrier of a lot of things . But what's the fucking point of getting angry ? It won't change a single thing . I can just shut up and sit in one corner complaining about how life is fucking unfair but it won't do any good . Yeah , it's true life is unfair but what the fuck should we do ? Nothing but to be precise , we should just live life the way it is . Just go with the flow as i said . So what if people will say i'm different or anything . I'm not changing , it's just that i'm not being the way people want me to be . So this isn't my fault . I'll live my own life the way i want it because i control my own life . The rest are just guides to help or to tear me . I'm sorry if i've been hiding my feelings but that's the way i am and there's a secret behind my reason .

Chapter 146: Another Mile

Should i greet with a Happy New Year greeting or just start ? I think i'll just start . Well , you guys should know that it's 2o1o and another long year has been laid in front of us . Well , let unwrap this present and see what this year have planned for us . Had my first day of the year in Malaysia and we didn't really did much there . Just went shopping , visit my grand-grand and went to eat dinner with my cousin . I bought ps2 games yesterday also . Let me see , i bought Gundam Seed Destiny and Star Wars Battlefront II . My younger bro on the other hand bought Prince Of Persia: Two Thrones and Prince Of Persia: Warrior Within . It's kinda cool you see . Well , the next time in enter Malaysia , another two games will be in my hands .

Oh by the way , this message is for Jesslyn and Hidayah ; I'm sorry about yesterday night when we chatted . I was really moody yesterday and i needed a slow song to calm my mind . While i was at Malaysia , i was so worried about Hidayah and i started to get moody from then . Sorry .