Final Chapter: The Last Puzzle Piece

Hey guys . This will be my final chapter to my entire life . I never I would be the one writing it but yeah . Firstly to all of my friends on the net , you guys are the best , you guys are awesome and just fantastic , this has nothing to do with you guys but I need to do this , it's the only way life would be better . I finally realize that I have to fight life all alone . You guys have always been there for me and without fail , cheering me up . You guys rocks . Love all of you ! But this is goodbye .

To my band , you guys will get to see me a lot and let's hurry make the greatest show ever . I know I'm em and stuff guys but life seem too big for me . You guys rock to the core and Bandits live forever . You guys know how to contact me right ? Just contact by calling me . Hurry jamming guys .

To my classmates , you guys will surely see me a lot but only until the end of the course , after that I will sign on and live my life with nature , being where I'm suppose to be . You guys are the best also and Qv1001M will be always in my heart . <3

To my Bestie , I will not be in the cyberworld anymore but you know how to contact me right ? You should know . ^^ Bestie , you rock always . ^^

To Fatin , I'm sorry for everything . I still love you but I couldn't afford to see you hurt . I know when you read this I'll be long gone . Just have a happy life okay ? I'm sorry I can't be there for you like how you've always been there for me and I'm sure I'm gonna miss you . Remember when I said about a letter , in that letter I wrote this that I really want you to read; 'Fatin Nur Hanis , will you marry me ?' . I want you to be the one . Remember , I will always love you .

So yeah , that's about it , I'm surely gonna miss everything here . Ohya , guys and girls remember , 'Before you quit , try.' and Never give up . <3

Chapter 174: Jealousy

Yeah , I'm jealous . Of ? Others' life they can yay here and there while I'm stuck I'm the stupid world of misery . Fuck you problems ! Yeah , I know problems come constantly but why can't I solve it constantly also ? People will say; "It will take time ," yeah , I know but what if there's no time left ? I can barely smile today . I've been going to the toilet crying my heart out , starring at empty spaces just thinking of how to overcome my situations , etc .

I am grateful that I even have a life but I just need to solve it . Honestly , in my mind right now , I don't mind my life ending here now but I know there's more to life than just these problems . I'm sorry guys , you know who you are , that I shown a distracted face just now . I guess no smile will appear of my face for quite sometime now .

Chapter 173: Just A Little Hope

Surprise to see me blogging ? Well , hope you guys are . Well , since I told my love ones that I will disappear in the cyber world 'till further notice , I decided to let this particular site tell me about my life while I'm gone . Well , it's the start of a new year yesterday and what a way to start it . Keep moving forward people say but yet , I still finds myself rooted to the ground not going anywhere .

I cried every night telling myself why I have to suffer this way without my love ones knowing it . Then I thought , it's better that way . I wouldn't want them to worry but I guess they are already worried when I told them that I want to disappear . There's only one person in this world whom I dare to share my problems with and she has been my bestfriend for over a year . So I feel comfortable talking to her but there's only one tiny problem , it's over a month since I heard from her . Wondering how is she doing .

People must be wondering about my problem so I'm gonna reveal it here . My problem is that I just can't accept time has moved . I'm still rooted down to my childhood days . Summaries it all , I'm simply a guy who just don't want to grow up . The reason is simply that I fear losing the people I love the most . I pray every night that I hope my love ones will wake up the next day and see the sun rise . I imagined losing everyone I love and seeing myself living in this world alone . I know all of this is life but I guess I just can't accept the way life is . The older I get , the more things I have to leave behind , but I really don't want that . I want to live by their side telling them I love them and thank them for being by my side always but I know that's impossible .

Well , I just need to talk to her and see what advise she gives me . All I need is just a little hope .

Chapter 172: Grow up PeterPan !

Hey guys , i really need to update this piece of shit . Well , no jokes today because i've been feeling way down . Maybe it's time for me to move on with life . Be an adult finally . For the past 17 years 5 months and 5 days , i've been nothing but a young kid who love Power Ranger and Ultraman . Should i move on and fear what i might be in the future ? Even PeterPan has to grow up one day . I've told Bestie that i'm practically doing fine but theoretically not doing fine . If i sacrifice myself to be an adult , i won't have that exact same attitude like i had in the past . This is now the breakdown of my life . Should i leave everything behind and walk alone on the path of maturity or should i just wait for the right time to change ?

Esfan , even Peterpan has to grow up sometime .

Chapter 171: Standing On One Dot

Ever feel like even if you got something but you still feel like you got nothing ? Yeah , i'm feeling that way now . The fear of walking on this Earth all alone with no single being right beside me . Trust me when i say that everyone will feel this way sooner or later . At first , i thought that this is just a mind game but in the end , i realize that i do have everything but i just don't spend so much time with the people that has always been by my side and the only ones that has been by my side has always been my parents .

A simple theory;
- Friends can become enemies .
- BGR can be broken apart .
- Marriage can be divorce .
BUT the relationship in a family can never break apart .

Chapter 170: A Girl in CD Store

There was once a guy who suffered from cancer... a cancer that can't be treated. He was 18 years old and he could die anytime. All his life, he was stuck in his house being taken cared by his mother. He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once. So he asked his mother and she gave him permission.

He walked down his block and found a lot of stores. He passed a CD store and looked through the front door for a second as he walked. He stopped and went back to look into the store. He saw a young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight. He opened the door and walked in, not looking at anything else but her. He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk where she sat.

She looked up and asked, "Can I help you?"

She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there.

He said, "Uh... Yeah... Umm... I would like to buy a CD."

He picked one out and gave her money for it.

"Would you like me to wrap it for you?" she asked, smiling her cute smile again.

He nodded and she went to the back.

She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him. He took it and walked out of the store. He went home and from then on, he went to that store everyday and bought a CD, and she wrapped it for him. He took the CD home and put it in his closet. He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn't. His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her.

So the next day, he took all his courage and went to the store. He bought a CD like he did everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped. He took it and when she wasn't looking, he left his phone number on the desk and ran out...

!!!RRRRRING!!!

The mother picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"

It was the girl!!! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said, "You don't know? He passed away yesterday..."

The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy's mother. Later in the day. The mother went into the boy's room because she wanted to remember him. She thought she would start by looking at his clothes. So she opened the closet. She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs. She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one.

Inside, there was a CD and as she took it out of the wrapper, out fell a piece of paper. The mother picked it up and started to read it.

It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn

The mother opened another CD...

Again there was a piece of paper. It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn

Chapter 169: Roses

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine", like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.
The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again.

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just
waiting for you to open it

Chapter 168: 7 Million Miles Under The Soil

It's very hard to see myself break down into millions of pieces but the terrible news just came in . I'm breaking down . The fear ... the fear of being alone forever in this world . The fear begins to haunt me . I'm so terrified . Being so alone , i can never bare that punishment . Suddenly , my life feels so empty . Even though i have my bestie and my love ones right by my side , i still feel so alone . What is this space deep in my heart ? Did i choose the wrong path to move on or did i just slip and fell ? Should i dive right in into the flames of sorrow or should i fight ? I need to dig myself out to find the light that i'm yet to see .

Chapter 167: Butterfly Effect

Hey , i come by this awesome theory . It's call 'The Butterfly Effect' . Well , this effect is simply not possible now because nobody can travel through time and space . Well , if suddenly time traveling is possible , we've got to worry about the butterfly effect . The butterfly effect is simply an effect which can change the present from what the traveler saw before he/she travels through time . It's pretty complicated but if you wanna know more , simply check through in Wikipedia or be like me , watch Heroes .

Chapter 166: Live In The Lou

Finally , i got Story Of The Year Live In The Lou in my mp3 ! Cool ! Now i can hear the songs like forever ! My personal favorites are ; 'And The Hero Will Drown' , 'Dive Right In' , Anthem Of Our Dying Day' , 'Until The Day I Die' and 'In The Shadows' . Story Of The Year rocks !

Chapter 165: Our Hearts Has Been Misguided

Wow , what i freaking day . Suddenly i feel like 'BOOM' ! The big bang . Well , i have been asking fucking questions in my fucking brain every fucking minute . By the way , pardon my French . Questions like ? Hmm ... What's my destiny ? Is my heart really have been misguided ? Bla bla bla ... Well , there's this motherfucking idea in my mind that i'm gonna throw someone inside the fucking sea at Sentosa . 'SPLASH' ! Yup , going to Sentosa with my buddies tomorrow and confirm gonna enjoy . Actually , i was planning to invite Bestie , but she wasn't online today , i guess i'll meet her another time . Maybe during our special picnic .

Strictly For Esfan and Fee Only !

Chapter 164: Face First

Bass master ! Nope , of course not me but that's what i wanna be . Mastering every skill that ever existed and create my own . Well , the songs that i already know how to play are ; Given Up by Linkin Park , Blow Me Away by Breaking Benjamin , The Seduction by He is Legend , The Antidote , Terrified , We Don't Care Anymore , Until The Day I Die , And The Hero Will Drown , all by Story of the Year , I'm made of wax , larry , what are you made off ? by A Day To Remember and loads more . Blind Bandit rocks !!

Chapter 163: Story

Well , it's night time here and yet i'm writing another post . Well , this is a life of guy who wants to be an author when he grows up .

Well , that's what i really wanted to be but after walking miles along the path of life , i see that we can be whatever we want but the only that's pulling us behind is us . I know for some , life hasn't been a fairytale with "and they happily ever after" in the end but now , i'm telling you this ; this is your story . You are the author of your own story . No-one can write it for you . Not your friends , family , boyfriend or girlfriend or anyone else can write your story . This is your journey . Don't care what others think only care about life . Life is short so spend it wisely . Spend your life believing in the things you think that is right and never regret any decision that you've made . Friends , family , boyfriend or girlfriend or anyone else are only guidelines or a piece of wood to complete the broken bridge to help you get to the other side . Hold the hands of the person that you treasure the most and never let them go , not even until you pass the walls of death because their hands are the ones that pull you up . You've begin your story , how are you gonna end it ?

Chapter 162: It's Hard Isn't It ?

Well , to my dear friend Jess , sorry to hear about your grandfather . I hope this won't pull you down for your upcoming O' levels and of course the BLB spirit . Stay strong . =)

Well , yeah , it's hard to see the person you love the most just disappear out of our lives just like that . I've lost a lot of my dearest before and the pain never gets old . The pain of losing someone will scar us but the memories will always be there to heal it . Memories of the time you have fun , laugh , joke , hug and kiss . The person maybe physically gone but the person will always live on in our life , in our hearts .

''Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

Chapter 161: Clear

It's hard to tell a certain someone that you really love that person . It's really hard . It's hard to find the person that is suitable for you but i think i found mine . I found her months ago . Well , not to make it so obvious , i will say no more .
I made a promise to her that i'll always be the pillar that will support her in every way possible . I told her that if she let go of the hook , i will be there to catch her hands and hold them tightly , not letting it go . I promise her to always be in her heart and she will always be in mine . Who is she ? Well , she's my dearest bestie , Fee .

Chapter 160: I Need A Miracle

Sorry for my disappearance . I know that my magic trick are lame and all but i'm trying my very best to online . Well , here's a quick update on myself . Lately , i've been quite emo . Emotions are like playing with me once again and i'm starting to give up . Suddenly , i see that everything in this world seems meaningless to me . Yeah , i know that i'm very emo now but i can't help it . I feel like slapping myself billions of times until i get my mind straight .

Ever since my last chat with Bestie , life hasn't been sunshine and rainbows . I really need her here . If only she could hear my cries , pleading . I know for some , she's only a bestie for my but she's really more special than any of you could imagine . She's always there for me eventhough we hadn't chatted for a long time . I do believe in miracles . Even if time hasn't permit us to talk to each other , i still believe that somehow someday , we are gonna talk once again . I confident with it .

Chapter 159: Stop Working You Motherfucking Brain !

I hate my brain so~ fucking much . It's working not in the way it suppose to be . Flash backs are all entering back into my thick skull . Things that i want to forget kept on coming back and the things that i want to think about never did come back . What is this shit ?! The worst part is , i kept on thinking back on the things that hurt me so fucking much . School is about to begin once more and this fucking shit is happening . Just stop working you motherfucking brain . This thing is really putting too much tension on me now . Now , i cannot be normal anymore . I'm like a crazy motherfucking guy who wants to take a motherfucking knife and cut this brain out . I never wanted this , i never wanted any of this . All i want is to live how i'm suppose to live . This is ignorance . What the fuck !

Chapter 158: All We Need Is A Reason

Well , let's start with a hello . Hello . Well , the weekends have been tiring for me really . Went here and there like mad but it's also fun and great . Life ? It's been magnificent . Enjoying life . Well , of course , there ups and downs but now , the battle against life , it seems like i'm winning .

Yeah , my title , it's from the lyrics 'The Antidote' and it's a very powerful phrase . Everything we did , all of them have a reason .

It's gonna be a short chapter today because my mood suddenly disappears .

Chapter 157: Verge Of Rebirth

Time flies fast doesn't it . Yeah , it feels like only yesterday we learned how to walk and now you know it , you are already running . Even with a great past , i still feel like a kid . A little boy that doesn't want to grow up . A little boy that still wants a nice warm hug from his mummy . From my point of view , being a kid is the great blessing in life . Once we are old and matured , we won't see the fun side of life . We will only see the boring , dull and busy side of life .

But above all of that , life is still the best thing you'll ever get . Even if life is a cruel and nasty place , it's the only thing that releases the strong side of you , the strength to overcome every obstacle life has to offer . The strength of smiling even when you're facing your darkest problems . The strength of never giving up when you see the problem is impossible to overcome .

Well , i'm gonna be gone for three days . I'm off to Sepang to catch F1 race . Gonna hear the loud roar of the engine . Can't wait . Since i got the DSLR camera back , gonna snap awesome pictures . KL , Sepang , here i come .

Chapter 156: Your Tears Are My Tears And You Smiles Are My Smiles

Feelings , it's always had been a funny and unpredictable thing from the start . It's either the feeling of happiness or sorrow , that have kept us being who we are . Well , i'm writing this post to the person that has been in my life for almost 8 months now and i want to tell her that she is the greatest friend i could ever ask for . Yes , i'm referring to my dearest bestie . Somehow , i know this may sound crazy , i can sometimes feel her feelings deep in my heart . Eventhough in her blog she may seems a type of happy-go-lucky girl , i got the feeling that there's a dark secret behind her smile . I'm not here to tell you guys about what her problem is but to tell you guys how strong she is . She is the strongest girl that i've ever seen . She has the strength to smile eventhough she have problems . I don't know how deep and dark her problems are but i know no matter how deep and dark they are , she still has the strength to smile . I really admire her . Her name will forever be carve on my heart and can never be replace by anyone . She is really the greatest .